Longing Hearts
by McGeekle
Summary: Ziva returns to DC a year after she and Tony part in Israel, but things are not as she had envisioned. The heart wants what it wants, but sometimes want can tear the heart apart.


There were thousands of butterflies fluttering around in her stomach, and there was absolutely nothing she could do about it. She couldn't figure out where to sit or stand or anything. She continually changed her position, her place on the couch. She was fidgeting. Ziva David did not fidget.

At that moment, however, it was all she could do as she sat in Tony DiNozzo's apartment waiting for him to come home. It had been a little over a year since they had seen each other. One year two months and four days, to be exact. It had been far too long since she had seen him. Since she had touched his face, kissed his lips. She couldn't wait to kiss him again.

It was nearing midnight, and he was still not home. She wasn't sure if he was still at work. It wasn't an unreasonable suspicion, knowing Gibbs. But every moment she sat in his empty apartment, she grew more anxious to see him.

A few moments and some pacing later, she heard his key in the door. She scrambled to find a good place to be, but ended up just standing a bit back from the door. She took a deep breath, trying to settle the butterflies that now felt more like bullfrogs.

The moment she laid eyes on him, is was as if relief spread from the top of her head right through her toes, as though she expected that there would be something horribly wrong with him. But he was safe, alive, and in once piece. He looked a little bit older than when she left him, more lines around his eyes, but his dashing good looks were definitely still in place. There were tears in her eyes and he hadn't even seen her yet.

When Tony shut the door and turned to look up, he froze. There was no way she was standing in his apartment. There was no way after all this time that she had somehow made it home without him knowing. His wide-eyed shock soon wore off and he dropped his gear to the floor with a thunk.

"Ziva?" he asked softly, as though he could not believe his eyes.

"Yes," she replied, barely holding back her tears.

He stepped to her immediately, taking her face in his hands, stroking her cheek softly with his thumb.

"You're here," he said incredulously.

"I am. I missed you."

"Oh my god, I missed you too. You have no idea."

"I think I do."

She reached up to kiss him solidly on the lips, their mouths opening almost instantly, tongues tangling with the need to feel the other completely. Tony pulled away quickly, pecking her a few times on the lips for good measure.

"I can't believe you're here."

"I know. I am sorry it took so long."

"It doesn't matter, you're here now."

He leaned down, pulling her face to his once again. They were quickly wrapped up in each other, his hands at her hips, her arms around his waist. They pressed against each other, the delicious heat they desired for so long building more quickly than either of them had anticipated. He pressed himself into her more forcefully, prompting her to take a step back, closer to their final destination.

She smiled into the kiss, her hands running over his neck and shoulders, pushing his jacket to the floor. She grabbed his head once again, kissing her way down his neck, nuzzling her nose into his collar. She took a deep breath, wanting to relish in the scent she had been deprived of for so long. Halfway through she froze.

He smelled…not like him. The scent was slightly musky but still crisp, definitely a woman's perfume. Her body stilled, as she realized that before he had come home, he had been with a woman. And not just any woman, like Abby or another colleague. He had been with a woman intimately. Her chest tightened painfully in a way she'd hoped she'd never have to feel again. She stood there frozen, still wrapped up in him, trying to remember how to breathe.

Tony felt her stiffen in his arms and cursed his timing. Panic settled immediately in his chest, all thoughts of intimacy gone, replaced with those trying to come up with something adequate to say.

Once Ziva came back to her senses, she pulled away quickly, making a small space between them. She opened her mouth to speak, but no sound came out. She gaped for a moment, searching for the words she knew she had to say. She couldn't find them.

She stepped further away, the words she wanted to form caught in her throat along with her emerging tears, choking her. She rushed past him, towards the only thing that would help, the only thing she'd known for over a year. Solitude.

Tony leapt towards her, grabbing her arm.

"Ziva please don't go," he said desperately.

She shook her head quickly.

"We can just go to bed, please, don't leave."

"I can't do this, Tony," she choked out, "Not so soon after you were with her."

Though they hadn't established exactly who _her_ was, she didn't have to ask, and Tony didn't deny it.

"Please don't be mad, god, just let me explain."

"I am not angry, I just need some time. I am going to see Gibbs, and I will be back."

"Ziva, I'm sorry."

"Don't be." She pulled away, leaving him standing in the middle of his living room, staring at the door.

—

Gibbs didn't even respond as he heard his front door shut. He was used to Tony's presence in his basement these days, his visits much more frequent since he had to leave Ziva. He frowned when he realized that the footsteps he heard weren't Tony's. They were much lighter, more delicate. He could hardly hear them at all. His head popped up _it couldn't be…_

Seconds later, Ziva descended the stairs, directly into his arms. He took her into his arms readily, holding her tightly against him. He rested his cheek against her temple as she buried her nose in his shoulder.

"I missed you, Ziver," he said, kissing the side of her head.

"I missed you, too," she mumbled into his shirt.

They stood for a moment just like that, father holding his long lost daughter. When they pulled away, he motioned to pour her a drink, but she shook her head. Instead he pulled her up a chair.

"How have you been?"

"I have been fine." She said with a small nod.

He gave her appraising look, as if he were trying to spot a lie.

"Lonely," she conceded. "Missing all of you, but surviving."

"You home for good?"

"Not yet…but I will be very soon." He smiled at that. At this point soon was better than he could have hoped for.

"DiNozzo know you're here?"

Her expression darkened immediately. "Yes." she said shortly.

_Aw hell…_"What happened?" he asked, not sure if he truly wanted to know the answer.

"It is not important."

"Well I'd say it is, because if it weren't, you'd still be with him instead of here not talking to me," he said, trying to prompt her to speak.

"He has been seeing someone," she said sadly. If Gibbs was shocked, he didn't show it.

"He tell you that?"

"No, I could smell her perfume on his collar."

_Damn it, DiNozzo, of all the nights…_

Gibbs shook his head slightly.

"And I have no right to be upset. I did not expect him to be celibate when I was gone. We made no agreement to abstain when we are apart. But…"

"You didn't think he would find someone else."

"I know I am being stupid and selfish and I was naive to think that this would not happen…but he said that I was his. He told me that I was his. I only assumed that he was mine." She broke off, swiping tears from her face.

Gibbs just listened, letting her work some of it out for herself.

"And I know that I upset him when he found out about Adam. I know I hurt him. But if this was how he felt. If this is what I caused….I did not expect it to hurt this much," she said, a tear streaking down her cheek.

Gibbs pulled her into his arms, settling her protectively against his chest.

"I feel so stupid," she said, words muffled by Gibbs' sweatshirt. "I should not have left like that. But I couldn't…not after…knowing he was with her," she pulled away and looked up at Gibbs, "What is her name?"

"I'm not going to tell you that."

"Please, at least tell me what she means to him?"

"He's changed since you've been gone, Ziver. He's been through a lot."

"Like what?"

"It's not my story to tell. You're gonna have to ask him yourself."

She sighed, wiping her cheeks once more.

"Go home, Ziva. Talk to him."

—-

Ziva was significantly calmer the next time she opened the door to Tony's apartment. She closed the door softly and toed off her shoes, knowing she would be there for the long haul. No more running.

As soon as he heard the door close, he rushed into the living room, opening his arms to her. She put up her hands and shook her head. She wasn't ready to touch him yet. She wasn't ready to be emotional, and if she let him comfort her, she would fall apart.

The hurt that crossed his face at her denial was a stab to the heart. Every time they thought they were getting somewhere good, they always managed to tear each other apart. It was never easy. It was never simple or without pain. She wondered if they made it through this, if it would ever be. She took a bracing breath before starting to speak.

"When you left, I thought that when I came home, we would be together. That there was no doubt that we would make this work. I thought that we had made it clear that this was meant to be. Inevitable. That was the impression I got during our conversation. But perhaps we had different interpretations."

Tony's eyes narrowed in anger. His chest constricted painfully at her using his own words against him. He swallowed the words that wanted to erupt, knowing they would only get him into trouble.

"Ziva, it's not what you think."

"What is her name?" she asked calmly.

If Tony was surprised by her inquiry, he didn't show it. He looked deeply into her eyes, clearly asking if she really wanted to know. Her gaze did not waver.

"Juliana."

Ziva nodded, her stony expression remaining intact.

"And how long have you been seeing her?"

"Ziva, please let me explain…"

"How long, Tony?"

"Two months."

It was another stab to the gut. They were in a relationship. She made him wait too long. Her front began to crumble.

"It's not what you think." he said again.

"Enlighten me," she said shortly.

"It's just sex, Ziva. It doesn't mean anything."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?"

"I thought maybe since it didn't mean anything to me…"

"It means something to me, Tony. It means you didn't think I was important enough for you to wait for me."

"That's not true. I told you I loved you, Ziva, and I meant it. That hasn't changed."

"And yet I came home to you like I promised I would, and you were with another woman."

"You don't understand."

"Make me understand," Ziva spat. It was at that moment, Tony snapped.

"Do you know what it's like for me to know I can't have you? To want to kiss you and hold you and never let you go? To fall asleep with you and wake up with you because you are the only thing that keeps me from flying off the handle and into the bottle? Do you know what it's like to not have the one person who keeps you together when everything is falling apart?"

"Yes," she said tearfully, ceasing his rant, if only momentarily. "Yes, I do." Flashes of Adam played through her mind.

"Well that's what happened. There was a case that just…broke me. A serial killer I was investigating in Baltimore, one that got away. He made a resurgence, taunting me. It was six weeks before we caught him, and four women dead. At the end of the case, all I wanted was to see you, to touch you, kiss you. But you weren't here. And I couldn't contact you. So I went to this bar, and I saw Juliana. She looks a little like you, and god she smells kind of like you, and I just…I broke. I wanted to be with you so badly, I let myself imagine she was you. To pretend for just a little while that you were here to put me back together."

His eyes bore into hers, both overflowing with tears. All he wanted to do was touch her. He just wanted to kiss her and make everything alright. He wanted this to be another thing that didn't break them.

"She knows all about you, you know," he started again. "She knows about our situation. So sometimes when I'm having a hard time, she lets me forget. She doesn't even get offended when I call out your name anymore."

He stepped forward to hold her, relief spreading through him when she didn't flinch or back away. He took her into his arms, hugging her fiercely. She allowed herself to sink into him, all of her anger gone. He let out a breath he didn't know he was holding, so happy to have her in his arms. He pulled away after a moment, taking her face in his hand.

"It wasn't that I didn't want you, Ziva, or that I didn't want to wait for you. It's that I wanted you too much, and my weakness won."

"I know something about that," she said. "I am sorry."

"It's okay."

"It is not okay. I'm sorry," she said tearfully. "I'm so sorry."

"I'm sorry too. You have no idea how much."

They met halfway in a passionate kiss. One that held apologies not just for their most recent dalliances, but for all the hurt they had caused one another. There were more discussions to be had, wounds long open that needed to be healed, but that was for another time.

They kissed tenderly, their former heat and desire returning. She pulled away to gently suck at his pulse point, kissing her way up to his ear.

"Make love to me, Tony," she whispered, nipping at his earlobe.

He lifted her effortlessly in response, carrying her to bed where they would make more than enough love to last until they would meet again.


End file.
